Alaskan Tennis Shoes

..shuffle around, drop my bag, drop my coat, pick up my bag and my coat, make my way down the tiny airplane aisle. My head is a centimeter from the ceiling of the aircraft. 12...13...14... oh good. I plop down. shove bag under chair, shover coat next to bag, find book, find music. heavy sigh.
"I see you got your Alaskan tennis shoes there."
"wha..?"
"Your alaskan tennis shoes..."
"hahaha, yeah."
looking down at my xtra tuffs, the characteristic Alaskan trademark.
"I retired mine"
"Yeah, mine are still alive, though it doesn't seem right without those fish scales."
"Where you from?"
"Juneau, you?"
"We used to live in Juneau, just moved out of there a couple of years ago."
"Oh really? My parents are making to move out too, thats why I'm headed this way."
"Oh, what's your name?"
"Hahnlen"
"huh, I don't think I know it..."
DING "we've reached out cruising altitude, feel free to use any portable electronics you've brought on board."
"well, I'll let you get to that book there."
"yeah, I'll let you to yours."
Headphones. Book. another sigh. Settling into my Alaskan tennis shoes.

impeding progress

I think I'm constantly impeding progress.
progress when it comes to trying to get over someone.
I'm still sitting here alone.
when all I want is to be sitting next to him.
impeding progress by getting letters
and writing back

at this rate, i'll be missing you forever.

Nights With Too Much Whiskey, And Nights With Just Enough

It's like searching for something that you'll never be able to find. When you've lost all hope, and yet, the only thing that makes you smile is the thought that there still is some shred of it. That's what this feeling is, that's what losing someone you care about is, that's how it feels when you're sitting next to the bed of your sister when she's in a coma and all you can do is rearrange the blanks and hold her hand. You hold her hand even though she can't feel it. Complete loss, but yet you try so hard to grasp onto a ledge, constantly grasping, while your heart is aching.
You never knew that your heart could actually hurt.
And your heart aches again when he leaves you. This time it feels like you're being punch repeatedly in the heart, even though you know that neither one of you wants to end it. Simple time and place forces it to end. And that makes it harder. The strength that you used up from being strong when your sister was in the coma, forces you to melt into tears when he leaves you. When you can't talk to him everyday, when you can't hold his hand, or wake him up with kisses in the middle of the night.
Kisses you don't feel like you can give to anyone else, because they belonged to him first.
And the pain returns when your family leaves the only home you've ever known. This time even more excruciating, because the clumsy band-aids from the last two times fall off even more easily now. Your head aches, your eyes hurt, and your stomach is in knots. The whole time you're home, the last time you're home will be your home, the last time that those trails will be yours and they will be your neighbors, you're crying. You stayed stoic for over fifteen years, but you can't do that any longer.
And on that plane ride away from the trails which you could navigate blindly, you muster up your strength again.
You go back to that transient life you've been living, in that city that you've had to call home for the past year and a half. The place that you know won't be your home for long. People are rude, people are mean, you honestly don't know where the support system you had disappeared to. So you search for those things that used to make you happy.
You can finally sit alone in a room again, and not be dragged down by dark thoughts.
You can finally glory in your sadness.
You can finally write again.
You haunt those coffee shops, drink the chai, and even realize that it's okay to turn to vices again. The friendships that you pushed away for a year and a half are the only things that bring you comfort now. You reminisce about nights with too much whiskey, and nights with just enough. And you make plans for more nights like those.
Because even when everything goes wrong
she came out of the coma
you and he started talking again (even if that sometimes makes it harder)
your memories of that home will never be taken away from you
and the coffee shops
which grant you peace of mind
are always there.
And your friendships that you resented for so long, you realize are the only things that you have that are constant. And your family is the strongest thing you have. The people that knew you when you were growing and changing the most, are the ones that are going to be the most willing to accept you when you've forgotten them briefly. The best ones are the ones who don't blame you for changing or forgetting.
Because when you feel like there's nothing left for you, you turn around and realize all you've had. And you're reminded of how much you're going to have. Because it's constantly changing, just like you.
Because it all gets bad at once.
Until you realize that it will get better.

Lessons From An Airplane Napkin

an ending
overused, and doesn't five full meaning
to the pains of my heart.
It only made sens
became real
after they got the offer
then the tears came.

A never ending stream
of God-forsaken tears.
day after day.
with only a minute's reprieve.
The salty wetness
trying to fill the lonliness which these endings
so many endings
close calls
and not-so-neatly tied up things
have left.

My final trip home
to the plank which documented my height
beginning when I was first
brought there.
To the games
the scraped knees
and the standing in the middle of the street
after dark
just talking
for hours.
and where an ending
had it's first kiss
and endless laughter
smiles unending.
And still, loneliness seeking tears.

Skies full of dancing colors
lightning behind the mountains to the right
sunsets to the left
and eclipses behind sister's tree
which was next to the spider tree.
A brown living room
where I mimicked her dancing.

nightmares and dreams
hopes and fears
the end of a place
which holds so many
beginnings
things I long to forget
and things I carry with me
in my notebook
wherever I go.

An ending
bringing about the freshness of mind
of something exciting
and new
something which reminds you
that it's not really an ending at all.