blog.

moving on:

http://jillianthewall.tumblr.com

floundering

i just want to have it figured out.

ticktock

she watches time melt away
gets caught up in the consistent ticking
until she finds herself melting with the clock
realizing what present time she's lost
longing for the next tick of the hand.

contemplate

I'm not sad or depressed or upset right now. I'm not wallowing or sulking or avoiding social situations. I am actually very happy right now, I'm just contemplative.
I'm trying to remember what made me do it the first time
and what brought me around the second time
and how it felt when it was good
and how it felt when i knew i was the only thing on his mind.
I'm trying to remember what made me do it, but I am clouded by what is making me want to run far in the opposite direction.
I can only remember how much it hurt the first time
and how betrayed I felt the second time.
I can only wonder how long it will be until I feel those ways again
until I am hurt again and until I'm betrayed again.
And I know that everyone wonders these things, and that everyone just says to get over it because "how will you ever have those happy moments without the sad ones?"
And I know it gets annoying
this depressive talk about wondering whether or not I'll feel love again, and whether or not it will last, and whether or not it will be enough.
I think that's what it comes down to, I just what it to be enough, I want to be enough.

I know I won't be alone forever, but I just have to get over this hump.
I just have to get over this fear or being hurt
because I know I wasn't scared of that the first time.

I just want to be that practical girl I remember from high school

loveme

i would just like to be held.
without presumptions.
without expectations.
i would just like to be held.

WARNING: death by reading and writing possible and imminent.

selfportrait

November 23, 2008
selfportrait
"Heimweh"

r.i.p.

It's always when we lose someone or something that we realize what we have. We come from a very unique little town in the middle of nowhere. Ends of roads and water lapping at our feet forced community on all of us, it forced a family on us that we will always be a part of no matter how much we try to get away. And many of us have tried to get away, but this little mountain town will never let us go.
It's when we lose people who have bonded us even tighter than geography could, that we really think about where we came from. This is a man who made every person feel worthy, his jokes were unending and his smiles entirely infectious. He watched a lot of us grow up, he coached a lot of us, he rooted us on when we triumphed in school, in sports, in life in general. He raised three amazing kids in whom we see bits of him. We remember his jokes, his voice, his overall warm and welcoming disposition. His vibrant personality affected everyone he met.
And we're reminded of what a strong community he helped create for us to grow up in. That we are lucky to have grown up in a large family. Though some of us haven't talked in months or years, we can rely on each other when it matters. We've created mini-juneaus throughout the country. When one person comes to town, everyone congregates.
I hate that it takes somethings like this to make us, to make me, realize this.
Thank you all for being part of that community, for being part of my family. For rooting me on, laughing with me, crying with me, even if it's been years. I wouldn't give away my life in that mountain town, no matter how much we all come to resent it at times. I wouldn't give away Douglas, Saint Ann's Avenue, or that little blue house across the street.
R.I.P Donny Ashe, you will be missed.

?

i wonder if i made the big mistake.