For old time's sake

2006-2010

I should be studying for a final tomorrow… The Archaeology of Human Origins. Part one of the culmination of the last four years. Part two: a final on Monday, Archaeozoology. The ultimate culmination coming on the 12th of this month. I just seem to only be thinking about and focusing on everything but what I need to be studying.

My life the last four years? a whirlwind. If I were to tell anyone that this was how the last four years would go, I would scoff and throw out a “mmhmm, we’ll see about that…”

As I sit at the end of this chapter of my life, peering off, trying to find some sort of clue as to what’s going to come next, I remind myself: when I started this chapter… I was unsure of what was to come as well. I had no clue that these years would unfold as they have, that I would grow and change in so many ways. That I would stay the same in so many others.

I fell in love, I traveled the world, I got my heart broken, I broke hearts, I met people I never could have imagined meeting, I did things I never thought I would do. I’ve been happy, sad, surprised, extatic, elated, scared, nonplussed- I’ve come to know a person in myself that I really like. I’ve found a best friend in my sister and am angry that it took nearly losing her. I’ve learned that life is nothing without taking chances and that most of the things that happen in our lives, we have to make happen.

I’ve learned that I am not someone who loves partially or fleetingly. My love is strong and steadfast, perhaps lasting longer than it should. I would rather be someone who loves wholly and hangs on too long than someone who loves only a little bit at a time - never fully letting themselves go to it. I’ve learned that too.

My four years have been marked by many ups and downs. I’ve said many times that it feels like life keeps throwing shit at me when I finally feel like I have it all together. I haven’t been allowed to coast through these years, and although I’ve cried a ridiculous amount, I’ve screamed, I’ve whined, I’ve sunk into that all-too-familiar hole of depression now and again, it’s really okay. It’s always okay. My ability to get through it all is really what makes me who I am. It makes me a resource to the people I love and allows me to recognize the truly beautiful things in life.

I do have alot of regrets, I often say that I’d like to redo my second year here, that it was my black hole year, that I don’t even know what happened. None of that’s true, I know exactly what happened. That year, I fell in love for the first time. I don’t think I knew it at the time, but when I lost it my world was crushed and only losing love can do that to you. Needless to say, that year I also got my heart broken for the first time. I fell in love for the second time, and this time I recognized it, this time I allowed myself to experience it, to get lost in it… I got my heart broken for the second time. I truly learned what it was to hate.

I learned, that year, what it was like to grasp onto seemingly worthless strands of hope when one of the people you love most in the world lies helplessly unconscious in a hospital bed. I learned that those strands of hope are not worthless at all. I learned that loss might not be the worst thing in the world.

So, maybe I don’t have regrets and maybe I wouldn’t undo it. But I do wish it didn’t always have to hurt so much.

The next year meant exploration and discovery - learning who I was without people telling me. It meant letting go, moving on and being young and thriving. Dancing, hooking up, drinking and not feeling guilty about any of it. Being a twenty-somehting college student undeterred by the big F - Future.

This last year has been another growing experience in itself. I’ve learned that I can be the archaeologist many 9 year-olds dream of being, I’ve also learned that getting a degree in this doesn’t mean that I have to do it. I’ve learned that stability is something I desire and that I will someday have that family. I fell for someone again, someone I can’t have again, unexpectedly again, left heartbroken again. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve wondered a lot. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will figure it out eventually - and probably after it’s relevant.

I want too much to be successful, to love and be loved to not find it someday. It might take time but I’ve also learned that the best and worst things surprise you and that both are inevitable. And if we surround ourselves with people who love us and want us to succeed, no matter how far away they may be, we’ll get through anything. Not all things that seem bad at first stay that way - she did wake up afterall.

Each year here as been marked by very different people and very different events. All of these people and events have taught me that I still have plenty to learn. (I do wonder how some of you are, you know, the ones I don’t talk to anymore. It’s better this way though - wondering, letting the negative memories fade to let the good ones shine through. It’s better this way.)

A lot has happened to make me the exited, scared, confident girl I am today. I’m still curious about the world, I still believe in the powers of love and forgiveness and hate. I still know that the world isn’t done with me yet - I’ve lives yet to change, my own is still and will always be molding itself.

I’ve been through some things and I still believe that the world and people are all inherently good. It all depends on how we choose to react to life’s events. No one’s born to destroy the world. Sometimes it may seem like it’s every man for himself, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I still want to believe that life’s going to surprise me in amazing ways.

I have to believe it, how else will I live?

blog.

moving on:

http://jillianthewall.tumblr.com

floundering

i just want to have it figured out.

ticktock

she watches time melt away
gets caught up in the consistent ticking
until she finds herself melting with the clock
realizing what present time she's lost
longing for the next tick of the hand.

contemplate

I'm not sad or depressed or upset right now. I'm not wallowing or sulking or avoiding social situations. I am actually very happy right now, I'm just contemplative.
I'm trying to remember what made me do it the first time
and what brought me around the second time
and how it felt when it was good
and how it felt when i knew i was the only thing on his mind.
I'm trying to remember what made me do it, but I am clouded by what is making me want to run far in the opposite direction.
I can only remember how much it hurt the first time
and how betrayed I felt the second time.
I can only wonder how long it will be until I feel those ways again
until I am hurt again and until I'm betrayed again.
And I know that everyone wonders these things, and that everyone just says to get over it because "how will you ever have those happy moments without the sad ones?"
And I know it gets annoying
this depressive talk about wondering whether or not I'll feel love again, and whether or not it will last, and whether or not it will be enough.
I think that's what it comes down to, I just what it to be enough, I want to be enough.

I know I won't be alone forever, but I just have to get over this hump.
I just have to get over this fear or being hurt
because I know I wasn't scared of that the first time.

I just want to be that practical girl I remember from high school

loveme

i would just like to be held.
without presumptions.
without expectations.
i would just like to be held.

WARNING: death by reading and writing possible and imminent.

selfportrait

November 23, 2008
selfportrait
"Heimweh"

r.i.p.

It's always when we lose someone or something that we realize what we have. We come from a very unique little town in the middle of nowhere. Ends of roads and water lapping at our feet forced community on all of us, it forced a family on us that we will always be a part of no matter how much we try to get away. And many of us have tried to get away, but this little mountain town will never let us go.
It's when we lose people who have bonded us even tighter than geography could, that we really think about where we came from. This is a man who made every person feel worthy, his jokes were unending and his smiles entirely infectious. He watched a lot of us grow up, he coached a lot of us, he rooted us on when we triumphed in school, in sports, in life in general. He raised three amazing kids in whom we see bits of him. We remember his jokes, his voice, his overall warm and welcoming disposition. His vibrant personality affected everyone he met.
And we're reminded of what a strong community he helped create for us to grow up in. That we are lucky to have grown up in a large family. Though some of us haven't talked in months or years, we can rely on each other when it matters. We've created mini-juneaus throughout the country. When one person comes to town, everyone congregates.
I hate that it takes somethings like this to make us, to make me, realize this.
Thank you all for being part of that community, for being part of my family. For rooting me on, laughing with me, crying with me, even if it's been years. I wouldn't give away my life in that mountain town, no matter how much we all come to resent it at times. I wouldn't give away Douglas, Saint Ann's Avenue, or that little blue house across the street.
R.I.P Donny Ashe, you will be missed.

?

i wonder if i made the big mistake.