2006-2010
I should be studying for a final tomorrow… The Archaeology of Human Origins. Part one of the culmination of the last four years. Part two: a final on Monday, Archaeozoology. The ultimate culmination coming on the 12th of this month. I just seem to only be thinking about and focusing on everything but what I need to be studying.
My life the last four years? a whirlwind. If I were to tell anyone that this was how the last four years would go, I would scoff and throw out a “mmhmm, we’ll see about that…”
As I sit at the end of this chapter of my life, peering off, trying to find some sort of clue as to what’s going to come next, I remind myself: when I started this chapter… I was unsure of what was to come as well. I had no clue that these years would unfold as they have, that I would grow and change in so many ways. That I would stay the same in so many others.
I fell in love, I traveled the world, I got my heart broken, I broke hearts, I met people I never could have imagined meeting, I did things I never thought I would do. I’ve been happy, sad, surprised, extatic, elated, scared, nonplussed- I’ve come to know a person in myself that I really like. I’ve found a best friend in my sister and am angry that it took nearly losing her. I’ve learned that life is nothing without taking chances and that most of the things that happen in our lives, we have to make happen.
I’ve learned that I am not someone who loves partially or fleetingly. My love is strong and steadfast, perhaps lasting longer than it should. I would rather be someone who loves wholly and hangs on too long than someone who loves only a little bit at a time - never fully letting themselves go to it. I’ve learned that too.
My four years have been marked by many ups and downs. I’ve said many times that it feels like life keeps throwing shit at me when I finally feel like I have it all together. I haven’t been allowed to coast through these years, and although I’ve cried a ridiculous amount, I’ve screamed, I’ve whined, I’ve sunk into that all-too-familiar hole of depression now and again, it’s really okay. It’s always okay. My ability to get through it all is really what makes me who I am. It makes me a resource to the people I love and allows me to recognize the truly beautiful things in life.
I do have alot of regrets, I often say that I’d like to redo my second year here, that it was my black hole year, that I don’t even know what happened. None of that’s true, I know exactly what happened. That year, I fell in love for the first time. I don’t think I knew it at the time, but when I lost it my world was crushed and only losing love can do that to you. Needless to say, that year I also got my heart broken for the first time. I fell in love for the second time, and this time I recognized it, this time I allowed myself to experience it, to get lost in it… I got my heart broken for the second time. I truly learned what it was to hate.
I learned, that year, what it was like to grasp onto seemingly worthless strands of hope when one of the people you love most in the world lies helplessly unconscious in a hospital bed. I learned that those strands of hope are not worthless at all. I learned that loss might not be the worst thing in the world.
So, maybe I don’t have regrets and maybe I wouldn’t undo it. But I do wish it didn’t always have to hurt so much.
The next year meant exploration and discovery - learning who I was without people telling me. It meant letting go, moving on and being young and thriving. Dancing, hooking up, drinking and not feeling guilty about any of it. Being a twenty-somehting college student undeterred by the big F - Future.
This last year has been another growing experience in itself. I’ve learned that I can be the archaeologist many 9 year-olds dream of being, I’ve also learned that getting a degree in this doesn’t mean that I have to do it. I’ve learned that stability is something I desire and that I will someday have that family. I fell for someone again, someone I can’t have again, unexpectedly again, left heartbroken again. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve wondered a lot. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will figure it out eventually - and probably after it’s relevant.
I want too much to be successful, to love and be loved to not find it someday. It might take time but I’ve also learned that the best and worst things surprise you and that both are inevitable. And if we surround ourselves with people who love us and want us to succeed, no matter how far away they may be, we’ll get through anything. Not all things that seem bad at first stay that way - she did wake up afterall.
Each year here as been marked by very different people and very different events. All of these people and events have taught me that I still have plenty to learn. (I do wonder how some of you are, you know, the ones I don’t talk to anymore. It’s better this way though - wondering, letting the negative memories fade to let the good ones shine through. It’s better this way.)
A lot has happened to make me the exited, scared, confident girl I am today. I’m still curious about the world, I still believe in the powers of love and forgiveness and hate. I still know that the world isn’t done with me yet - I’ve lives yet to change, my own is still and will always be molding itself.
I’ve been through some things and I still believe that the world and people are all inherently good. It all depends on how we choose to react to life’s events. No one’s born to destroy the world. Sometimes it may seem like it’s every man for himself, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I still want to believe that life’s going to surprise me in amazing ways.
I have to believe it, how else will I live?
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