I'm not sad or depressed or upset right now. I'm not wallowing or sulking or avoiding social situations. I am actually very happy right now, I'm just contemplative.
I'm trying to remember what made me do it the first time
and what brought me around the second time
and how it felt when it was good
and how it felt when i knew i was the only thing on his mind.
I'm trying to remember what made me do it, but I am clouded by what is making me want to run far in the opposite direction.
I can only remember how much it hurt the first time
and how betrayed I felt the second time.
I can only wonder how long it will be until I feel those ways again
until I am hurt again and until I'm betrayed again.
And I know that everyone wonders these things, and that everyone just says to get over it because "how will you ever have those happy moments without the sad ones?"
And I know it gets annoying
this depressive talk about wondering whether or not I'll feel love again, and whether or not it will last, and whether or not it will be enough.
I think that's what it comes down to, I just what it to be enough, I want to be enough.
I know I won't be alone forever, but I just have to get over this hump.
I just have to get over this fear or being hurt
because I know I wasn't scared of that the first time.
I just want to be that practical girl I remember from high school
1 comment:
du bist nie allein, ich weiss dass du es schon weisst, aber ich meine es im erst-- ich bin immer für dich da. ich bin jetzt auch in der gleichen Anstellung-- ich fühle mich als ob ich niemals jemand besonderes treffen werde... wir sind einfach so toll und haben (Gott sei Dank) höhe Qualitätanforderungen.....
küsse. xx
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