despair.

I've been spouting my happiness on both of my blogs, in emails, in phone calls. I can honestly say that the last two weeks were my happiest two weeks in the last year.

But that feeling is gone and I don't know what to do. This whole year has been a constant flow of ups and downs and it started at the heart attack (or maybe i just started noticing it as something since the heart attack). When i really think about it, I realize that I've been this way since high school. I was talking to my mom yesterday and she affirmed that fact.

First I wanted to blame it on the family stuff, and then I wanted to blame it on the break up with Morgan. Next I wanted to blame it on Sara moving and then bad relationships with my roommates. I then wanted to blame it on my parents moving, and then on me moving to austria and lastly I wanted to blame it on Tom.

And though those were all difficult things for me to deal with, I don't think i can blame this depression on it because it feels deeper than that. I'm so used to being able to control my emotions, and I haven't been able to do that. There's something deeper controlling this. I really thought that I just needed a change of scenery, that I would find the happiness that I was looking for outside of the drama polluted Seattle. That hasn't happened.

It's cyclical, I'm finding. I'll be sad for a few more days, I'll cry uncontrollably for a few more days, and then I'll feel like I've stepped out of a cloud. i'll feel good about myself, my friendships I've made, the friendships I've lost, the things i'm about to go out and see and do. But then I'll slowly get sad again, it won't be immediate. There will be one thing that will just eat at me for a couple of days and then I'll burst into tears and force my mom to talk to me for a few (very expensive) hours. It's really an uncontrollable loneliness.

Before I was trying to depend on others, and I know that I can have happiness without these other people, the last two weeks showed me that. But I'm starting to realize that there's something seriously wrong when all I want to do is sleep or lie in bed and watch movies the entire day and I don't even have the desire to get up and feed myself because that means have to be around people.

Maybe I was just better at controlling it before, or maybe it was having my family close to help me know that I am not alone, or maybe it really has gotten worse. I was never able to acknowledge it before because I was never allowed to be that person who needs help.

I was (am) always the friend who listens.
The one that tells you you'll get through it, that you're strong, and that you deserve more.
I've never really been allowed to think or talk about my own problems, not until recently.

I'm fragile and I don't know if there's anyone who can help me.
I'm fragile and all people know how to do is hurt me.

I'll have happiness again in a couple of days. Until then, not even sitting in the shadow of the Staatsoper which has been standing since 1869 can make me feel glad to live here.