waiting

It's almost as if you think, maybe, after that day that I felt like I was over him, everything will go back to normal. We'll be friends. We'll talk about our days, share witticisms, laugh... and be friends.
But the more you talk to him, the more you realize that you're not over him. the more you miss holding his hand, and kissing his forehead. His birthday, so you send a gift, you make a card, you send it in an envelope. He gets the gift, and calls you but you can't answer because you're out in God-knows-where and have no cell phone service. He leaves you a message. It's the first time you've heard his voice since you ended things. All you can hear in the message is the initial, "WHATTHECRAP?!" and then your stomach drops because you know it's him. The message goes on but you don't hear a thing it says, you just stare, immobilized, the phone still held to your ear. You catch yourself, because you realize that someone is going to notice, and you put the phone down and make small talk with the people you're in the car with. you wait until you have service again, and everyone leaves the car so you listen to it again. He's thanking you for the gift.. the card, saying over and over again how cute it was, and how he's sort of glad that you didn't answer because he was nervous. He doesn't ask you to call back. So you email him when you get the chance, and tell him you got the message. You ask if you should call him back. He doesn't answer. You painstakingly check your email to see if he's responded.
His best friend emails you to tell you that he appreciates your shared love for your guilty pleasure, Hilary Duff.
A friend you never talk to emails you to ask you how you are.
An old best friend of yours emails you to tell you how much skiing sucks on the east coast.
But he doesn't. You get the picture.
But you still want him to email you back, because you want to know where you stand with him. You're still shocked by the fact that he called to thank you in the first place, you're also shocked that your heart flipped and your stomach dropped.
And then you remember the other guy you've been spending time with since you and the first one broke up, and you feel guilty because you know that you're in no place to start something new. It is painstakingly clear that you're in no place to start something new and that's not fair to this other guy. But even that's more complicated than it needs to be because you've been playing emotional tango with him for over four years, and he's finally fallen in step. To top all of that off... he's one of your sister's best friends.
And between all of these thoughts you hear the message in your head over and over again. You check your email more times than is necessary.

And that emptiness in your heart that you thought you had filled, has never felt more empty.
So you check your email again, because when you see his name there, your heart fills up again... if only temporarily.